


Mourn the Living

by NakiTengoku



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Alyx finds Gordon hilarious, Angst, Barney is a good man, Barney's the brunt of the joke, Blood, Breen gets mentioned once, Combine!Barney, Combine!Barney Au, Forehead Kisses, Gordon Freeman has a sense of Humor, Gordon Freeman is Tired, Guns, Heavily injured Character, Hypnotism, I can't write fighting scenes, I don't know if I should tag this as graphic depictions or not so please be wary, I don't know if it'll get better yet, It Gets Worse, M/M, Mute Gordon Freeman, Sign Language, Sort Of, hand holding, nobody dies i promise, striders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:48:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25927684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NakiTengoku/pseuds/NakiTengoku
Summary: Gordon Freeman has returned, and Alyx is ready to help him in anyway she can. But neither are prepared to see a ghost from the past, especially on the other side of the war.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 27
Kudos: 132





	1. Vent Cryptid

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyo, it's a combine!Barney au fic! Original idea by pllyhedron at https://pllyhedron.tumblr.com/. You should go check them out! This is just some snippets of what's been running through my head for the past week or so. I would also like to warn people, I'm still on half-life 1 and haven't seen anything from Half-Life 2 except the very begining, so these scenes might not fit in to the game. Sorry!

It’s a good thing Dad taught her sign language, Alyx thought as she led the One Free Man through the streets. Otherwise, she would’ve had no way to know it was him. Well, other than the anonymous tip that Kleiner got weeks ago to watch this particular platform on this specific day. And the fact that as soon as this dude showed up, Kleiner was shouting in her ear that _he didn’t look a day older than he did at black mesa_ and _where has he been?_ and, _Alyx, the CP’s are pulling him, Alyx, you can’t let them take him, ALYX!_ Which prompted an impromptu plan to get Gordon away from the CP which ended in a shoot out with several blocks of running to get away.

The point is, without sign language, she would’ve had a much harder time to convince him to follow her.

She won’t lie though; it hasn’t been an easy 30 minutes. At least Gordon understands that it isn’t the time for questions, though she’s seeing his questioning looks and tilt of his head. Occasionally, she’ll see him make a half-aborted motion with one hand, but by the time she turns to see it, he’s shaking his head and motioning to move forward. Hopefully, once they get to Kleiner’s, they’ll both get answers.

God, he looks so lost.

He didn’t look like the savior the Vortigaunts painted him as. In ordinary clothes, he looks just like everyone else here. If she looked hard enough, she could see bruises forming where his shirt occasionally rode up and the bags under his eyes speak of days without sleep. But the way he hugged against walls, the way his shoulders tensed when he heard something new, the way his eyes darted from one thing to the next told a very different story. When he put the HEV suit on, she could see a difference in the way he carried himself. He seemed surer of himself, but it wasn’t a happy type of confidence. He still had weariness clinging to him, the bags under his eyes still dark.

It’s the type that says he’s done this before.

They didn’t have much time to explain to Gordon what was happening, but they got the basics in. It’s been twenty years since the incident at Black Mesa. Since then, things had basically gone to shit. Gordon simply nodded and prompted clarifications on certain things. It wasn’t until they were done and about to send him off when he turned to Kleiner and signed a question.

“I didn’t quite catch that, Gordon, could you repeat that?”

Gordon repeated, a little bit slower.

“Oh-oh dear. Gordon… I haven’t heard anything from Barney since the Combine moved us all up here. He’s been missing.” Kleiner looked uncomfortable, reaching out and patting Gordon’s shoulder. “I know how close you two were. I’m very sorry, Gordon.” Gordon shook his head and shot them a sad smile.

“It’s fine,” he signed. Everyone in the room knew he was lying.

But there was no time to mourn those dead for 20 years.

After Gordon left, Alyx turned to Kleiner, questions on the tip of her tongue. Kleiner beat her to it.

“Barney was a security guard at Black Mesa back in the day,” he said. “He and Gordon were as thick as thieves.” He chuckled softly to himself. “Hell, there were rumors going around that they were _closer_ than that.”

“Closer?” Alyx asked.

“Lovers,” He coughed. Oh.

“Oh,” she exhaled. No wonder he deflated so much. He came back to a world without someone special to him in it.

She didn’t know how she would react to learning one day that her dad wasn’t here anymore.

* * *

It turns out Gordon has an amazing sense of humor. After a close call with the Combine, he politely asked for Alyx to help him out and she readily agreed. Now, in between fighting the Combine, zombies, and various other types of aliens, Gordon told her jokes and she had to resist the urge to curl up into a ball from laughing so hard.

He also sprinkled in facts of what it was like before everything went down. Apparently, they could travel across the world in a manner of hours? And nearly everyone drove cars everywhere? And there was large stores that sold anything you could ever need under one roof? Amazing.

While fighting, she would sneak looks and would always be amazed at how different he acted. His face set into a grimace, he’d plow through zombie and headcrabs without a flinch. He was focused and determined, nothing like the joking and smiling man that he was not even 10 minutes earlier.

Still, he was extremely efficient, which shoots down any questions she had.

It was in the middle of a fight with the Combine that something unusual happened.

She and Gordon were crouched behind some cover, hoping that the bullets the Combine had couldn’t go through the solid pavement. Occasionally, in the pauses where the Combine had to reload, she and Gordon popped up and took out a few, but there seemed to be a new one to replace them.

“We can’t last much longer,” she yelled to Gordon next to her, the sound nearly being drowned by the sound of bullets against cement.

“I know,” he hastily signed. He peaked over the top of the barrier before ducking down and turning back to her. “There’s an alley to our left. In the next break, we should be able to make it. Follow me?” She nodded and then they waited.

Bullets, bullets, bullets…..

Reload!

They both sprang to their feet and she started to sprint-

Only to run into the back of the HEV suit. What? She quickly looked up at Gordon to realize that he’s looking elsewhere. She follows his gaze and finds an old sight. It’s one of the Combine, definitely, but he looks different. The top half of his mask is missing entirely, revealing dark hair combed to the right and black eyes with blue irises. And he’s holding a large gun. And staring directly back at them.

“Gordon!” Alyx hissed, grabbing his arm and tugging it. “We have to get out of here!”

“Gordon Freeman,” The Combine man said, static crackling from the mask.

Gordon slowly signed something, but it’s not something her dad ever taught her. He looks hopeful though, and maybe on the verge of tears. She gave his arm another tug, but he stayed firm in his place, looking at this new Combine soldier.

“Gordon Freeman,” the soldier repeated. She held her breath, tightening her grip on Gordon.

“Surrender. Or you will be shot.” The man raised his gun, aiming directly at them. Gordon tensed.

A beat passed. No one moved. Then, in a flash, she’s being tugged behind an overturned car by Gordon as bullets rained over them again.

“How did you know he was going to pull the trigger?” She breathed, trying to put together what the hell just happened.

“His right eye twitched. It always did that right before he shot at something, even throughout Black Mesa,” Gordon signed, and wow, that only created more questions. Gordon must have seen the look on her face because he quickly signed, “Later,” and she gave him a quick nod before focusing back on not dying to the Combine, especially this new, special one.

She just really hopes that the hope she saw in Gordon’s face when he saw the Combine is just hidden behind his serious face instead of destroyed by the Combine, like everything else.

* * *

They were leaning against a half-crumbled wall sharing a canteen when Alyx remembers the strange Man.

“B-A-R-N-E-Y,” Gordon fingerspells for her when she asks before repeating the sign from earlier. That must be the sign for his name. “He was a guard at Black Mesa. We got along pretty well, especially since he found me passed out in the cafeteria more than once.”

“You asked Kleiner about him earlier,” she stated in clarification and Gordon nodded. They were quiet for a while. She would’ve said something about finding him and how lucky it was that he was here in this city, but was it really Barney they found? Sure, he might have been Barney once, but she knows what happens to the Combine’s elite. There isn’t much of the original Barney left at this point. It might’ve been better that he was dead, but she’s not going to say that to Gordon. Instead, she says, “At least you know where he is.”

Gordon just shakes his head before standing up and offering her a hand.

Later, after another run-in with the Combine (there was no Barney this time, thankfully), she watches Gordon run a hand over the chest plate and stare off into the distance. It’s quiet, she thinks, watching a savior mourn for the living.

* * *

Although they’ve encountered a couple more units from the Combine, they don’t run into Barney again. Instead, they hear his voice projected over them as the screens that usually used to broadcast Breen’s propaganda instead show an image of Barney. He just says the same things, asking Gordon to surrender, saying they won’t hurt him if he does, explaining that it’s better this way, but Gordon just ignores them after the first loop. At one point in the middle of a message, he turns to Alyx and signs, “Remind me to talk about Kleiner next time we see him,” with a giddiness that he hadn’t displayed before.

“Why?”

“You’ll see. Unless… No, you’ll see.” Gordon returns to ignoring the messages. Alyx glances at the projection of Barney, silently praying for… Well, she’s not sure yet. She just doesn’t want this man to break Gordon.

* * *

While Gordon gives her jokes and stories about the world before, he’s less willing to tell stories about himself. Somehow, she gets him to tell her that he was a student under Kleiner while he got his doctorate at MIT. When she asked what MIT is, he gave her a look and signed with the most serious look, “It’s hell wrapped in textbooks and fees” and

When she stopped laughing, she asked why he would go there willingly. It was his turn to laugh. She never got an answer to that one, but that’s okay.

He was in the middle of explaining how college worked when they were interrupted.

Barney was standing in front of them, gun in hands.

For some reason, he was alone, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

“Gordon Freeman, you are under arrest. Surrender immediately,” he commanded, the static bleeding into his voice. Alyx and Gordon looked at each other. He’s starting to sound like a broken record. And then Alyx remembered what Gordon told her a couple hours ago.

“Hey Gordon?” She starts. Luckily, Barney doesn’t move and she watches his right eye. “You wanted to tell me about Kleiner?” She sees Barney’s shoulder’s tense slightly. She turns slightly to face Gordon to see his response better, but she kept Barney in the corner of her eye.

“Oh? Haven’t you heard?” He signs, slow and languid, looking about ready to laugh. “He got locked out of his office again.” She caught Barney freeze up completely out of the corner her eye and turned to look directly at him again.

He stood absolutely still. His eyes were flashing between being blue and green, like they couldn’t decide which they’d rather be before they settled on green. The air between the three of them was tense as Barney took a slow, deep breath. Then, in an instant, he had thrown the gun to the side and started sprinting down the street, shouting “FUCK YOU, GORDON,” in a voice free of static as he went.

Alyx was in awe as she watched one of the Combine’s Elite turn sharply around a corner in full sprint.

Gordon was bent over, holding his stomach in silent laughter when she finally turned to him.

“What… In the world… Was that?” She asked, laughing slightly in disbelief. Gordon only laughed harder, starting to wheeze, and soon she found herself laughing heartily along with him.

“That,” Gordon signs, wiping a tear from his eye after they calmed down, “was Barney Calhoun, our resident vent cryptid.”


	2. A Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barney, Gordon and Alyx have a chat.

After their interaction with Barney, Gordon was in a much better mood. Sure, he still slipped into grimacing through fights and being extremely efficient and cold while shooting down attackers, but his shoulders had less tension in their walks. Mind you, they were still tense, though that’s to be expected when one man holds the hope of an entire world on their shoulders.

His hands also showed his improvement, flowing from one word to another in a more relaxed way when he told her stories of old-aged routines.

They still encountered the Combine, but it was either a unit or Barney, never both. Which, if Gordon didn’t absolutely light up every time he was able to tease Barney over something decades old, she would absolutely be more concerned about. As it is, she couldn’t care less if it was the Combine making this choice or just Barney as long as it gave both Gordon and her a good laugh.

And it did. Their first interaction with Barney was the only one that ended with being shot at. Every time since then, once Gordon could tell Barney was getting close to snapping, he’d say something along the lines of, “I heard they restocked the vending machine in the lunch room near the security monitors,” or “Dr. Englewood says he has another test to run and he needs a subject for it,” or he just brings up Kleiner’s office again and Barney always runs like crazy, without fail. Once, even Alyx got him to sprint away.

The problem was that they were getting closer to their goal, and all three of them knew it. Barney no longer asked for them to surrender. He couldn’t smile, not with the mask the way it is, but his eyes crinkled every once in a while after Gordon cracks a joke or when he gets caught up in talking about whatever he likes to rant about it. Alyx, for the most part, would stand back during these interactions. Barney seemed to understand Gordon, so she wasn’t needed as a translator, and she didn’t know their inside jokes. Still, she watched as Gordon ranted about an old alien movie he and Barney had watched all those years ago, and she saw Barney’s eyes soften and watch Gordon’s movements with what could only be endearment. She watches him when they approach him, she sees the way his eyes flash between blue and green for longer and longer periods of time before they settle on green. 

Alyx watches, and she can tell that their time is running short. 

She just doesn’t want to break it to Gordon.

It turns out, she didn’t have to. 

Barney was waiting for them as they turned a corner, sitting on top of a car that hasn’t been moved in years. His gun was set next to him. He was leaning over, his hands dangling in between his legs. It was a position that she never saw any of the combine take. 

It was a position of defeat. 

Gordon and Alyx made sure to make a lot of noise as they went over to him. If he heard them, he made no movement to show it. 

When they got close enough to him, Gordon started to reach out to him. Alyx couldn’t tell if he was going in for a shoulder pat or nudge, but he never managed to finish the gesture. Barney’s hand shot up and grabbed his wrist, twisting it out and away from the both of them. Instantly, Alyx had her weapon drawn and pointed at Barney’s temple, ready to shoot. She didn’t want to, of course. This man, who may not even be a man at this point, was starting to feel like a friend. He listened and paid attention, even if he rarely spoke. And when he did, it was in a slight southern accent that she wouldn’t believe the combine didn’t program out of him if she hadn’t have heard him on multiple occasions. He was witty and got along well with Gordon. He was just what Gordon needed to keep going, and to put a bullet in his head less than a foot away from Gordon would not be good for him. She really didn’t want to do that.  


Gordon hadn’t reached for any of his weapons though. He had his free hand held at Alyx as he gave her a look that said  _ don’t shoot yet  _ and she nodded to let him know she understood. She wasn’t going to relax or drop her gun, but she understood. Gordon turned his attention back to Barney, who had a distant look in his eyes. He also seemed to be panting heavy, like he had just ran miles without stopping, but, no, that couldn’t be right. Not only did they find him sitting here like he’d been there for a few hours at least, but she’s pretty sure the combine didn't need as much air as normal people. 

Now that she was listening for it, she could hear his breaths coming through his mask, more distorted and static-y than anything she’s heard from him yet. His eyes were an electric blue, rimmed with a brimstone red. They had learned that blue was when he was obedient to the combine, but he still had some personality then.

They hadn’t seen red yet.

Gordon, with the patience of a mother of 3 trying to corral them all to bed, slowly moved his free hand into Barney’s line of sight before signing his name. Barney’s gaze snapped to it, watching it move, but still silent. Gordon continued to sign things slowly as he asked him questions and gave him assurances. The process took forever, with Barney squeezing one of Gordon’s wrists and watching the other, Gordon watching Barney’s face and keeping his attention on the way the red retreated, overtaken by the blue, and then the blue retreating to green, and Alyx keeping her gun focused directly at Barney’s temple. 

Somewhere between the eighteenth  _ are you okay?  _ a nd the thirteenth  _ we’re here now, Barney, there’s nothing to fear,  _ Barney started to relax, releasing Gordon’s arm and leaning forward. His green eyes moved from Gordon’s hand to his face before he closed his eyes and leaned forward until his head rested on Gordon’s shoulder. Gordon simply patted his back with one hand and stroked his hair with the other. Alyx lowered her gun.

They decided to take a break, and after finding a decent bedroom to camp in for a few hours, they all sat down, Gordon against a wall, Barney against him and Alyx across from them. They didn’t need to talk as Alyx passed Gordon a canister from her bag to him and he tossed a few rations from his to her. Barney just stared at his hands. He only spoke after they had their impromptu meal. 

“The Combine, they- they know I’ve been talking to you.” Gordon and Alyx share a brief glance before focusing all their attention on Barney. 

“What do they want?” Gordon signs. Barney only looks up long enough to watch him sign before looking back to his hands. 

“They- They wanted information. They wanted to see if I could learn anything from you.” 

“And?” Alyx said, none too gentle. She was suddenly on high alert, trying to remember everything conversation they’ve had, every word spoken, because anything the combine knows can be used against them. Before she can spiral though, Barney shakes his head.

“I-I told them that you didn’t know enough for the information you had to be valid. I didn’t lie either. You never once told me anything about the resistance. But- I don’t think they believed me. That’s why they kept sending me back. They were hoping you’d slip up.” Barney clenched his fists and pulled his knees up to his chest. “Instead, I started going rouge, defecting.” He gave a short and clipped laugh. “Guess they underestimated the power of a physicist and friendship, ey Gordon?” He nudged Gordon before going stock still. 

“What do you mean defecting?” Gordon asked.

“I wasn’t supposed to remember anything.” He answered with a hollow tone in his voice, and Alyx didn’t even know the masks let that happen. “They never expected you to talk to me and-and reminisce.” 

“What about this time?” Alyx chimed in. Both of them looked at her, heads tilted in the same direction and angle and everything. Jeez, these two could be so similar at times. “Why are you telling us this time instead of all the others,” she clarified. 

“Well, uh.” Barney looked down and to the side, muttering something that she couldn’t hear. Gordon nudged him. Barney cleared his throat and looked back up before deciding eye contact was too much and instead looked at the floorboards between them. “They decided that it was taking too much time and that I should be… Rebooted.” Gordon looked at Alyx and started to sign rebooted before she interrupted him.

“Killed.” Barney winced. “They were going to kill you.” Gordon whipped his head in alarm to Barney, who shrugged.

“They weren’t going to kill me. My body would still be alive and kicking.”

“They’d reset you!” she hissed, hitting the floor for emphasis. “Erase everything and set you back at square one. No thoughts, no memories, no life. Just another soldier.” That’s worse than death. Worse than leaving and being gone forever. Becoming a husk that’s used to torment and harass those who were once your friends. Death would be optimal at that point. 

“Barney,” Gordon signed, getting his attention, “is that true?” Barney stared into Gordon’s eyes before slowly nodding. “How are you here then?”

“I had to warn you guys,” Barney said quietly. “I just can’t-couldn’t let you guys walk into that. It didn’t want you to be caught off guard.” 

“Why are you talking like you’re going back?” Barney’s head shot up to stare at Alyx, his eyes wide. 

“Be-because I am?” Oh hell no.

“Hell no,” Alyx said at the same time Gordon signed, “Why would you do that?” Alyx may not have known Barney for as long as Gordon, but she still considered him her friend. And now he was saying he was going to practically walk himself back into a death sentence, right after he escaped to  _ warn them _ no less? No way she’d let that happen. But Barney was looking at them both uncomfortably, like he had something to say, but didn’t want to. Neither of them relented though. There’s no way he would do that to them, would he?

He would. 

“I have to, guys,” he started. “It’s- I swear, it has nothing to do with  _ wanting _ to go back, because if it’s about what I want, you know I would stay here, right? You know that?” He looked at them worryingly, and she’ll indulge him enough to nod. “It’s just-” he cut himself off before taking a breath. “It’s just that the combine is very touchy about their things going missing, yea? And, well, I’ve been theirs for years. And they tend to put-  _ something-  _ in things that they don’t want to lose. And, well, they figured out that I was from Black Mesa and they figured out what I did. They learned how the people that had met me saw me. And so they saw me as some sort of-of icon they could use to get people to listen to them. Fat load of good that did them” He chuckled softly to himself in a self-deprecating sort of way before carrying on. “So, they decided they’d upgrade me, let me become one of the elite. Of course, they couldn’t mess with my face or nobody could recognize me, but they could mess with everything else. And while they were taking me apart and reassembling me, they snuck something else in. Something that would ensure that they couldn’t lose a precious bargaining chip. You catch my drift?” Alyx did, but she wanted him to say it. Gordon just stared at the floor. 

“What did they put in you?” She said, unwavering. Barney winced, not the first time in this conversation and probably not the last. 

“Don’t make me say it,” he whispered.

“Barney, tell us.”

“Please, Alyx.” 

“Barney,” Gordon signed, his hand sharp and heavy as he made the movement, “Stop avoiding the question. What. Did. They. Put. In. You.” He was still staring at the floor, but he practically oozed the fact that he was tired and just wanted to know what was happening. Barney took a deep breath, steeling himself.

“I have a chip placed between the second and third vertebrae of my spine,” he said in a monotone voice. “It’s purpose is to record brain activity, conversations, speech patterns and to relay my location at any time. It’s secondary purpose, if absolutely necessary, is to override the brain and body functions until the unit, me, is brought to a safe place for the malfunction to be fixed and rebooted. The last purpose, if all else fails, is to act as a kill switch.” 

The silence rang heavy as Gordon and Alyx took in what he had said. Barney deflated.  


“See?” Barney said in a much softer voice. “I have to go back. There’s no other way. If I stuck with you, you guys wouldn’t be safe, not as long as I was there. It’s safer for everyone this way.” Barney reached out and placed each hand on one of their knees. Gordon instantly reached down and intertwined their fingers, but Alyx just stared at it. 

What a cruel world she lives in. This being, this _man_ had such a pure heart, so ready to embrace death if it meant people would live. In every past conversation, she can hear his voice with varying degrees of static insist that people be safe, be careful, whether it be to the public about being submissive to their alien oppressors, or to Gordon and Alyx when they’d accidentally run into zombies and headcrabs and had to rush to get their weapons drawn. This man, who spent the entirety of Black Mesa running around and trying to get people out and to safety, even if it meant running back into the building he just escaped from to help more people. This man, who she was told snores in his sleep and makes the best junk food mash-ups, who watched alien invasion movies until he passed out on his couch, who helped them when they got into tight spots, this amazing and wonderful human, because what else could he be? He was too warm to be anything but. This is the man the Combine would rip away and reset and kill over and over if it meant keeping everyone in line. And he wouldn’t even regret it if it meant people were safe.

She didn’t even realize she was crying until a gloved hand brushed against her check. She looked up and met Barney’s eyes, a soft and warm green. She leaned into his hand, tears now coming faster.

“Hey, hey,” he says, and he’s so warm, how could she have thought him anything but human? “It’s alright. It’s gonna be okay.” She could see him exchange a look with Gordon before she was being pulled in between the two of them. It was a little uncomfortable. The HEV suit wasn’t made for hugging, and Barney’s mask had sharp edges, but it was perfect. She started to sob when a hand started rubbing circles into her back. 

She thought she was done being angry at the world. She thought it couldn’t get worse. She thought that she could take it if the combine took more from her. They already took her shot at a normal life. 

She was angry. 

“We’ll save you,” She muttered harshly, clutching Barney’s uniform as her tears left wet spots. “We’ll come for you, and we’ll find a way to take that stupid chip out, and then we’ll free you.” She felt Barney sigh and Gordon shift, but she doesn’t care. Barney deserved it. She knows he does.

“I know, darling,” she hears him say in his slight southern twang. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was originally set to be two chapters, but this scene was way longer than I thought it was going to be, so yay! Ya'll get more chapters.  
> 


	3. "I love you."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon deserves a rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for blood and some fight scenes. It's also really sad :(  
> This chapter was brought to you by a late night session of listening to green ice [demo] by nbmudkip on repeat for 2 and a half hours until 1:30 am. You should give it a listen! -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqD6lVHlC9I  
> This chapter is in Gordon's POV and full disclosure, I have no idea how to write Gordon.  
> Hope you like it :)

Gordon wasn’t worried when they didn’t run into Barney on the way to Nova Prospekt. He didn’t when they plowed through corridors and hallways, shooting down any Combine they saw. He definitely didn’t worry when he lost yet another week to teleport/time fuckery. It was fine, even as he broke into the Citadel and made his way to Breen’s office. Everything was fine.

It stopped being fine when the portal opened and started tearing everything apart without seeing Barney at least _once._

As he and Alyx ran back through the halls to get out, Gordon’s mind began to wander and think, _where is he?_

He hears a shout and a sharp tug on the HEV’s suit collar and- wow, that’s a long drop.

“Gordon, please,” Alyx says behind him, tiredness leaking from her voice. “Pay more attention and try not to walk into chasms, okay?” Gordon glances over his shoulder and gives her a quick thumbs up. She sighs and takes the lead, leaving Gordon to watch her from behind. This trip has been rough on her. She smiles less, her shoulders a little more tense. It’s hard watching someone change like this and not being able to help, but, well. He’s not exactly an expert at this sort of thing. After all, he’s ninety percent sure he’s got a morphine addiction and insomnia at this point and if he sat down to actually process what’s happened the last week or so, (god, it’s been 20 years to everyone else) he’d have a breakdown of sorts and not be able to move. Good thing surviving and shooting takes up most of his higher brain function.

But it doesn’t stop him from worrying about Barney. 

“I wonder where Barney is,” Gordon hears Alyx mutter to herself as they turn another corner. _Somewhere safe,_ he hopes.

They make it out of the citadel and watch as the portal pulses.

* * *

Weaving through the city wasn’t easy the first time and it certainly isn’t the second, especially since they now have something the combine wants back. And they are nothing if not persistent. 

Thankfully, he and Alyx have made it to the train station. Unthankfully- is that a word? Probably not, but Gordon has dealt with too much shit this week to care- distracting the combine long enough for the other train to escape is just another really good and helpful plan for everyone who isn’t Gordon. 

It’s not like Gordon _hates_ these plans, he thinks as he ducks around another shipping container. At least there’s people he can actively help and protect now, instead of watching them all get gunned down from a distance, first by the military and now the combine. It’s just, being used as live bait sucks. Gordon shoots down the combine soldier that rounds the corner unprepared and automatically reloads. It reminds him of that time he had gone 48 hours running on coffee and energy drinks before his roommate so kindly reminded him that they had a test in 5 hours that he hadn’t studied for because he was too busy writing an essay for his history class. It sucked, but he wouldn’t’ve done it any other way. Gordon snaps out of his thoughts when he feels the ground shake and hears the familiar hum of a Strider. _Fuck._

Quickly, he darts to another shipping container, risking a glance around to try and find the Strider. In the distance, he can hear Alyx cursing at the machinery, trying to get the train working. He’s going to have to take this thing down if they want to leave. He darts to another spot and dives for cover when he hears the Strider start unleashing bullets. He can still feel the bruises from the last time one of those things hit him dead on. It’s not the most pleasant feeling in the world and he’d rather avoid it if he could. His eyes quickly darted around and the bullets _tinged!_ off of his shabby cover. It won’t hold long, but he doesn’t need it to. He feels the sweat trickle down his back as he waits for a pause before sprinting for the ladder and launching his way onto the second floor. He feels a bullet catch his calf and hisses because fuck! That hurts so much. At least he’s at a good angle to fire back now. And he does, two solid hits with the rocket launcher, and the third barely skimming under it. Not enough to kill. Damn. 

As it staggers, he scans the second floor. There has to be a crate, the last people through said there’s be left over supplies and- Yes! There! Gordon has to quickly duck back down to avoid getting his head shot off, but he saw the crate. Hopefully, it has ammo for the rocket launcher and not something else. He really doesn’t want to think about the possibility that it’s for something else. 

A couple of close calls and a skimmed bullet to his left arm and he’s crouching in front of a rocket ammo supply crate. Wonderful. Two more direct hits and the thing cires out as it falls and dies, letting Gordon slide down to sit on the floor, wiping sweat off his face he didn’t even know had gathered. Faintly, he heard Alyx cheer. She must’ve gotten into the system. Honestly, he has no idea how hacking works. But she does, and she’s great at it. She calls out to him and he huffs out a breath before stumbling back onto his feet and into view. A couple knocks on the platform gets her attention and he’s graced with a wide smile. 

“I’m almost done!” She calls out to him, “If you want to come back down here and wait on the train, we’ll be on our way in no time!” He gives her a thumbs up and a shaky smile before turning back around to the ladder. He’s gotten enough fractures from vaulting off of high places to last him a lifetime, he doesn’t need any more, _thank you very much_. He’s halfway down the ladder before he spots something out of the corner of his eye and reflexively drops the rest of the way, watching as a bullet embeds itself into the wall where his face was. That was close. 

Quickly, he dives for cover and pulls out his pulse rifle, checking it’s ammo. He thought he got rid of all the Combine already, how did one survive? Steadying his breathing in an attempt to calm himself down, he listened for footsteps and radio chatter. He only heard footsteps. Weird. As the footsteps get closer, Gordon braces himself. Right before they round the corner, he springs up, aims the rifle and-

He freezes. 

It’s Barney. Oh thank god, they’ve found him. 

Were his eyes always red?

Too late, Gordon hears the gun go off and sees the flare of the muzzle before he feels the bullet lodge itself into his side. Half a second later and he’s slamming the butt of the rifle into Barney’s face before he darts away. 

_Stupid!_ He berates himself as he leans against one of the containers, hoping he’s far enough away that he can catch his breath, just for a second. _He_ **_told_ ** _you that they were going to reset him and you still hesitated! You know what red means!_ Quietly, he replaces the rifle with his crowbar and crouches around a corner, decidedly ignoring the HEV suits warning about how much that fucked him up. It’s just- he doesn’t think he can fight Barney, not in the way he fights everything else. Because- fuck!

This is Barney! 

Barney, the dude who lets him stay over in his dorm room on weekends so they can marathon shitty movies and fall asleep on the couch with smiles on their faces and popcorn kernels in their teeth. Barney, the dude who learned ASL just so Gordon didn’t have to carry around a notebook when they hang out. Barney, the dude who’s grandmother calls on the third sunday each month just to see how her favorite grandchild is doing and to see if he got her monthly supply of chocolate chip cookies, which he always split with Gordon if he asked. Barney, the guy with the softest pair of eyes and most compassionate heart Gordon has ever seen, things that even the combine couldn’t take from him.

Until now, it seems.

Gordon harshly bit the inside of his lip, dragging himself out of his thoughts and back into reality. The way Barney is now, Gordon might die if he doesn’t pay attention. Shaking away a few stray tears, he focuses and tries to hear Barney’s footsteps. He snapped Barney out of it once, he can do it again. All he has to do is remind him. 

There’s a pattern to his steps, and Gordon counts it. Agonizingly slowly, Barney gets closer, step by step. Sometimes, he gets a little bit further away, but he’s definitely making his way to Gordon. He’s not speaking, just breathing which is undoubtedly weird, but Gordon can’t worried about that right now. Seconds before Barney gets to where Gordon wants him, Gordon sends a quick thanks to whoever’s looking out for him that Alyx is silent throughout this. And then he pounces.

Sending the hooked end of his crowbar out low to catch an ankle, he uses his free hand to knock Barney’s hand holding the gun up and away. Barney trips and Gordon uses his momentum to force both of them to fall back, Gordon on top of Barney, using one hand to grab Barney’s hand with the gun and the other to catch himself. _Minor Fracture Detected,_ he hears the HEV suit chime as he winces. His wrist is going to hurt for a while, but it's a small price to pay when he has Barney pinned. 

And he does. Gordon lets himself grin as he feels Barney squirm beneath him, unable to get out of his grip. Barney seems to realize this too, as he stops wriggling and instead starts glaring daggers at Gordon. Gordon doesn’t mind, even if his eyes are red instead of the once-familiar brown or the newly-calming green. Because it’s Barney.

It was much easier to get him into this hold than Gordon originally thought. He thought that they were for sure going to wrestle for at least a solid 5 minutes before he got Barney anywhere close to being here, but it turns out erasing memories of wrestling over the last milky-way in the freezer every couple of weeks was a mistake on the Combine’s part.

Gordon lets out a little huff, smiling wider, and rests his forehead on Barney’s. He struggles, but there isn’t much he can do. Gordon’s sure that if he didn’t have this stupid mask on, he would be trying to bite him, but he cant and Gordon’s grateful for that. _Hello there,_ he mouths, staring into Barney’s eyes with glee. They glare back. That’s fine. They have time. 

“Gordon? Where are you?” 

Oh shit, Alyx! The train! He goes stiff as everything that’s happening in the world outside of him and Barney slams into him. And he starts to straighten up when white hot pain flares up from his side and he knows, _knows_ what he heard was a gunshot, _but I have his wrist pinned, he can’t angle the gun like that, what the fuck,_ but none of that matters really. The second bullet hit directly where the first did, driving it even further in. And everything was white, hot, _too much._ He nearly collapses on top of Barney, but he barely catches himself. He had looked away when Alyx called his name, and that was on him. But he won’t look away now.

And because of that, he catches the tiniest of flash of blue. 

_Barney,_ Gordon mouths again and never in his life has he wanted to speak more than now, to just push all his desperation and want and love into it like he’s heard everyone do his entire life. He tastes iron in his mouth and sees it fall onto the mask around Barney’s face, and that’s really gross but also really worrisome. Internally bleeding is a bitch to deal with. _Barney, please be in there,_ he thinks. And then mouths it, just in case. Barney twitches and starts to turn his head, but- _no, you_ **_will_ ** _keep your eyes on me_ \- Gordon releases Barney’s wrist and uses the now free hand to force his face back. If he could shoot Gordon with his hand pinned, pinning it won’t make much of a difference.

Barney’s eyebrows are scrunched. Gordon can’t tell if it’s in disgust of the blood on his glove or if it’s because he’s conflicted, but things are also starting to get a little hazy for Gordon. _Warning: Severe Blood Loss,_ the suit informed him. Wonderful. At least Barney isn’t moving to shoot him a third time.

Slowly, he takes his hand off of Barney’s face, and after he knows Barney won’t look away, he signs something they’ve signed to each other a million times across a crowded cafeteria or late at night where they could barely see the outline of each other in the dark. It’s hard to do with one hand and while bleeding out, but Gordon makes it work.

“I love you,” he signs. 

And he can barely see Barney’s face even though it’s barely even an inch away, but he can still feel him trembling.

“I love you,” he repeats, just in case Barney missed it the first time. He can feel his arm wobble, about to give out, but he just needs a little bit longer. Just a couple more seconds. As gently as he can manage, he reaches back up to stoke Barney’s cheek and even through his blurred vision he can seen it leave a trail of red, but-

But that doesn’t matter because Gordon’s stretching up and, being sure to lick his lips clean, he softly kisses Barney’s forehead. He was aiming for the middle, but he might’ve missed with how much he’s swaying and he really hopes he didn’t leave a bloody kiss there. God, that’d be embarrassing. Gordon feels his arm give it’s last hurrah before collapsing underneath him and he falls.

And Barney rushes up to catch him.

Gordon feels himself being turned and moved, but really? He’s so relieved that it’s Barney, it’s really him again, _he did it, thank fuck_ , that he doesn’t mind that he’s being man-handled. It isn’t until he feels something hot and wet against his face that he tries to focus back into what’s happening. Being held just feels so nice, even through the HEV suit. But the hot liquid keeps him grounded and he looks at Barney’s face. Everything’s still hazy, but he can see Barney’s face a little more clearly now. His eyes are green again, bright and shining like emeralds or grass on a sunny day and they’re shimmering and-

Oh. He’s crying.

Gordon tries to reach up to wipe them away, but Barney has his hand in a death grip before it can reach his face. 

“I’m sorry,” Barney chokes, and his voice is so distorted and static-y that Gordon wants to flinch but he doesn’t have the energy for that. Instead, Gordon shakes his head and smiles, trying to squeeze his hand. 

He can hear Alyx call for him again, but it’s far away and distant, like he’s hearing it through water. 

Gordon manages to unpin his free arm from between his body and Barney’s.

“I love you.” 

Barney lets out a horrible noise, like he’d just been shot, but Gordon’s the only one with bullet wounds and he can’t make a noise like that. A little unfair. 

“I-love you too, Gordon. God, I-I love you so much. I’m so sorry.” And he’s clinging to Gordon harder now, but Gordon doesn’t mind. It’s been a while since he’s just been held, and it’s nice. Gordon’s comfortable. This is the safest he’s felt since before he showed up here in City 17, before the Cascade. He just wants to rest for a bit and enjoy this before he has to get up and go back to shooting and fighting again. 

So he closes his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact! The last scene is the only reason I wrote this fic. It's gone through 3 versions of itself, but I kept all the parts I wanted and I hope it's as sad for you as it was sad for my brain to repeat this scene every time I thought of Combine Barney :)  
> Hopefully, you can also tell that I've now played through Half-life 2 and Episode 1. I didn't realize how little I knew about how Half Life 2 progressed until I played it and went huh! I wrote this wrong. I won't be re-writing it though, at least not anytime soon.  
> I also promise Gordon is not Dead! I wouldn't do that! There's one more chapter left for a reason, and I hope it makes up for the angst I've written.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it!  
> Comments and Kudos are appreciated and loved. If I misspelled something, or missed something that should be tagged, please let me know! I wrote this in a rush. I have a tumblr at https://nakitengoku.tumblr.com/ where I'll sometimes post my art!


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